His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
