We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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