Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
