I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
My legs feel like baby dolphins
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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