I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
