There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
