I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
