And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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