Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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