Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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