my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
