hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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