Im at strip club and am horny
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
