i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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