my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
