I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I just gargled with NyQuil
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
