Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
