She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
