Sorry, I don't speak sober.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
