I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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