Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
