Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
