why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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