Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
