i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
