dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
