You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
