I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
