I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
