i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
