afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
