she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
