my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
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