She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
