Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
