Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
