No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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