There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I will be naked everywhere
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
