Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
You have to summon your inner elephant
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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