Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
