So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
