i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
My ass is underappreciated
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
