i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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