You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
