i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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