If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
where does the pee come out of this thing
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
