whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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