Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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