You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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