do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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